I’ll have a Blue Christmas without her

/ Sassybear

We are still tweaking our decorations and have a few things left to do before I’m ready for the “big reveal” in pics. Today, Jeffrey got all the outside lights hooked up and automated to come on at dusk and go off at dawn. It’s been so fun transforming the house with old and new holiday decor.

There was a sad part to this whole process, however. As you will all remember, we said good-bye to my precious Rita Mae this past May. I had been doing pretty well the last couple of months, remembering her and sharing stories without getting too broken up, but looking through last year’s Christmas photos for our card this year had me scrolling through pics of her about the tree that had me tearing up. Then came the time to decorate our “personal” tree, with favorite and gifted ornaments, and out came the ornaments with Rita’s name on it and the ornament my Mom gave us with the picture of the 4 of us (Jeffrey, Me, Harvey, and Rita Mae.) It is an odd feeling decorating a Christmas tree through tears. But I managed to get through both experiences OK, with a few tears shed and some mild heartache.

That all changed today. We ran out to get a few items and I noticed a snow globe in which you could insert a personal photo. I had the idea to get it and place a photo of Rita Mae in it to set on the table by the main tree so she’d be a part of the holiday this year. It seemed harmless and sweet enough. After we got home, I headed downstairs to my office to find a picture of her on my laptop to print…

….and that’s when the feels hit, and they hit hard.

I began sobbing. Uncontrollable, inconsolable, body shaking sobs. They caught me off guard and I just had to let it out. After a short while, the tears abated enough I could get back to the task at hand. I focused on selecting and cropping the picture, printing it, then trimming it down to fit the globe. I slid her picture in, reattached the bottom of the globe, and headed back upstairs to show Jeffrey what I had done.

I am still emotional and haven’t quite regained my composure yet. I really thought I had moved past the worst of it, but I guess the pain of the loss is just still too fresh. Maybe I’m crazy for keeping this globe in the living room where I will constantly see her and tear up each time. But better that than I forget her.

And that is something I can and would never do.

I miss you so much, Princess.

16 thoughts on “I’ll have a Blue Christmas without her”

  2. I thought 2021 was a pretty bad year for loss, but 2022 has also packed a wallop.

    I am neither handsome nor a psychiatrist and thus do not know what I am talking about, but it seems to me that there is a difference between grief and trauma. If seeing Rita Mae’s picture in the snow globe invokes grief, maybe that is okay. If it invokes trauma then maybe not.

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  7. I’ve no doubt you have a significant-numbered group behind you also still lamenting the cruel loss of your beautiful girl. in fact each time I make a comment here I have to make a mental effort to avoid mentioning her, being only too aware of the pain it might cause you.
    However, you’ve now set up a lovely, fitting memorial to her blessed memory. She’ll be ever so happy.

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  14. I apologize, I did not see this post until today. I am so sorry for your tears and sadness.
    I know you loved her and gave her the BEST life, ever. Someone once said about loss is that you never get over it, you just have to get through it. Sending hugs

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