We spent the weekend decorating for the holidays. I won’t pretend I feel excitement about the holiday at this point but, although I’m nowhere near in festive spirits, I’m finding comfort in ritual. The house is (mostly) decorated and there is a sense of accomplishment and relief that it is (mostly) done.
I doubt Santa will bring me what I really want for X-Mas. But I’ll leave out cookies, just in case…
It was a lovely Thanksgiving in Connecticut. There were appetizers, cocktails, desserts, food, and snacks galore. We chatted, laughed, ate, drank, crocheted, napped and had a relaxing, enjoyably time.
This was a tree the hosts had put up.
We left for home around 6:30 am this morning. We scooped the dogs up on the way and got home around 9:00 am. We were all exhausted and happy to be home together once again.
These little guys were tired out from their big adventure at the Kennel:
Getting away helped pull me out of the funk/depression I have been in since November 8th. I hope it lasts.
This is a picture from the webcam that looks in on our dogs at the kennel we left them at, while we are away in Connecticut for Thanksgiving.
Being able to peek in on them is a blessing and a curse: I get to see them any time I want while I’m away, but I also get to feel guilt that they’re in this room, wondering where their daddies are.
I know they’re good, safe, dry and warm. I know the kennel they’re at is run by good, animal loving people. And I’m happy we have a good place to leave them, so we get to spend Thanksgiving with men whom I love and are my chosen family.
But, I can’t wait to pick them up Friday morning and hold them tight and love them so hard that they forget we ever left them!
I could not find my voice or the words to describe how I feel…until this:
It is five in the morning. After a little over four hours of restless sleep, I got out of bed before my tossing and turning woke up Anne. I’m not sleeping much recently, and what sleep I do get is plagued by nightmares.
It’s been raining all night, which I realize isn’t something worth mentioning for most people, but it hasn’t rained here in Los Angeles since 1856, so it’s kind of a big deal. Back in the old days, when it rained a few times a year, before the myth of climate change tricked us all into believing that we’re having a terrible drought that apparently doesn’t really exist, we would sleep with the window open on rainy nights, so we could hear and smell the rain.
My dogs looked at me with confusion when I got out of bed, then did the dog equivalent of shrugging their shoulders and burying themselves back into the covers. My cat wants me to let him out, stop the rain, dry off the patio, and then let him back in. And then back out. And then back in again because he’s a cat.
So. Let’s get to it: we’re fucked. Nothing matters, everything is terrible, and we’re living in a nightmare that hasn’t even begun to hint at how bad it’s going to get. I’ve been spending a lot of time going through the stages of grief, and though it’s mostly a lot of anger, I’m bargaining: maybe the Electoral College will step in and prevent this fucking catastrophe from happening. Maybe the vote will be audited in some of these states where the devil won by just barely over one percent, which is honestly kind of suspicious. Maybe the Democrats in Congress will be joined by a few principled Republicans (they exist, right? They have to exist, don’t they?) and the white nationalist cabinet this president elect wants to install won’t be confirmed.
Bargaining. I know it isn’t going to happen. I know we’re fucked.
Twenty-five percent of eligible voters elected a racist demagogue who has never held a single elected office in his life, a seventy year-old man who has the temperament of a child. I still can’t believe it. When I hear the news say “President Elect Trump” it turns my stomach. It’s such an affront to the country, to the office of the presidency, it feels like it isn’t real.
Hate crimes are happening all over the country. White supremacists, anti-semites, and the absolute worst of humanity feels validated by this election, and they are boldly and fearlessly attacking people, declaring that this election — votes cast by one in four eligible voters — endorses their hateful, bigoted, regressive world view.
Anger. This never should have happened.
How can so many people, even if they are a statistical minority, have no problem supporting a racist for president? What are these fucking idiots going to do when all the things he promised them don’t happen? They say they were voting against corruption and lobbyists and Establishment Washington, but one look at the men this narcissistic sociopath wants in the highest positions of government reveals that none of those things will be reflected in his administration. They won’t get their jobs, they won’t get their draining of the swamp, but we’re all going to get the racism, bigotry, ignorance, and white supremacy they had no problem voting for.
Denial. Somehow, someone is going to do something to stop this from happening. He’s breaking all sorts of ethical rules. He’s breaking diplomatic norms. He doesn’t even want to live in the fucking White House! He doesn’t want the job, he just wants the attention. This can’t be happening.
And back to Anger. And then more Bargaining.
And Depression. So much Depression.
Paul Ryan is going to destroy Medicare, just because he can. Because he is a selfish, evil, despicable man. For the first time in the history of the nation, the Senate refused to confirm a Supreme Court justice (and apparently even the fucking Democrats who we’re supposed to count on to fight back are fine with it) and now our nation will deal with a regressive, right-wing majority on the court for the rest of my life. The Republicans are going to roll back and undo and destroy as much of the social progress of the last 40 years as they can, and in the richest country in the world, our citizens will suffer needlessly, because people like Paul Ryan subscribe to a selfish, hateful, myopic philosophy created by an asshole who never had to experience the consequences of her bullshit.
All of this, and more, because of twenty-five percent of voters.
Oh, there’s Anger again.
And so it goes, this cycle of grief, for my country, for the freedom and hope and opportunity I’ve always believed is fundamental to the American identity, for my fellow humans who are going to suffer now and in the future.
All because twenty-five percent of voters looked at this despicable, hateful, ignorant liar, and voted for him and everything he represents.
I went to bed before the election was over. I had too much anxiety to watch it progress. I feared what I might wake up to, but I hoped for the best.
I woke up a few minutes ago and checked the results.
I feel like I just got punched in the stomach. Like someone close to me died. Like the world I thought I lived in was all a lie.
I am shocked.
I am numb.
I am lost.
This is Moof.
Moof is a giraffe.
He is looking out the window.
He is looking towards the future.
He is hopeful.
Hope, Moof. Hope.