This has been a particularly rough work week for me, as you may have noticed by my negative and blunt posts. Every day I have had to talk myself into going to work and I’ve been weighed down, emotionally, by the gut wrenching realization that this may be the status quo for me for the duration, and that I have no idea where I will get the will power and stamina to keep doing this for another 7 years and 9 months.
In a nutshell, I work with almost an entire team of slackers and troublemakers in an agency that provides no way to terminate employees or address poor performance and inappropriate behavior (aside from asking people to do better – which I find pointless because if they were better people and employees, they wouldn’t behave the way they do.) I try to lead by example, and encourage better performance and attitudes though pep talks, complements, constructive criticism and problem solving meetings and counseling, but it makes no difference. They are who they are, they are, essentially, untouchable, and they have no incentive to do better. Unless, of course, you dangle promotions or raises in their face, which I can’t do, and wouldn’t anyway. II may not be able to punish bad behavior, but I sure as hell won’t reward it, either.
The truth is, I will have to find away to carry on because I have no options at this point in my life and career. I desperately need the benefits and time accruals that come with my job to attend to my medical needs, which allows me to maintain relatively decent health and some semblance of a normal life outside of work. Also, without a college degree (or even with one, as I am lead to believe from what I’m seeing on the interwebs,) it is unlikely I would find anything above minimum wage, let alone with the medical benefits or the schedule flexibility that allows me to attend my medical appointments or be absent for procedures, surgeries or other medical reasons, as I am prone to need from time to time.
So, I do what I always do: I post my negative thoughts on my blog, and then I struggle through the haze of hopelessness and force myself to acknowledge the following truths:
I’d rather have this job than no job at all.
I’d rather have this job than a myriad of other physically tasking, lower paying, (even more) soul sucking jobs.
I’d rather have this job than be in prison.
I’d rather have this job than be in a hospital fighting for my life.
I can take time off if I need to.
I can retire some day. Maybe not as soon as I want, but I know I’ll be able to, and that’s more than many can say.
I have a family that relies on me to contribute.
I have a husband who would understand if I wanted/needed to quit (which, ironically, inspired me not to.)
I’ve felt this way before, and I’ve gotten through it.
So its not like I can’t see the good…it’s just hard, sometimes, to see it through the bad.
But I’m trying.