Melody Melody

I am singing the blues this morning. While I suppose it’s good news that my ultrasound and my HIDA scan all came back with no negative results, that leaves me with no answers as to what’s wrong with my guts or how to get better. 

I’m now going on four and a half months of almost constant stomach aches of various intensities, depletion of energy, rapid weight loss, and random muscle spasm attacks in my abdomen (think “Charlie horses” only in your abdomen) that leave me breathless, shaking, and unable to move for a few minutes. (So far, these have only happened at home. I dread the day that one happens while I’m driving, or I’m at work, or out anywhere in public.) 

The earliest appointment I could get to see someone at my gastroenterologist’s office is at the end of August, although I explained what was going on, to my doctor’s nurse, last night over the phone, and she is going to get all the information to him in case there is some other testing he can schedule, or medicine he can prescribe, prior to my August appointment, or maybe even get me in sooner. 

The physical challenges that come from being uncomfortable, unable to eat a decent meal, (my diet consists mostly of liquids, including ensure, muscle milk, soup, applesauce, bouillon, V-8, eggs and the occasional piece of fish) and being tired all the time are taking their emotional toll, as well. My patience has worn thin, I’m constantly irritable, I’m having trouble focusing, and I’m feeling a bit hopeless about the situation. While I know it will get resolved at some point, I still have to function in the real world, in the meantime, feeling this way all the time. Work was already extremely stressful and challenging, and it’s 10 times harder when I don’t have the emotional or physical strength to deal with all the crap that goes on there.

As always, Jeffrey has been an exemplary caretaker, taking over the bulk of errands and tasks around the house so that I can rest up every night for the next day, but my guilt and sense of obligation as an equal partner in our household drive me to keep trying to do more than I feel like I can so that he doesn’t have to shoulder the burden of having to do absolutely everything, especially since I have a chronic illness and he’s had to play the role of “Mr. Do Everything” so many times before, and probably will have to do again in the future.

Finally, I stress about all the plans we’ve made and whether I’m going to be well enough to go through with them, let alone enjoy them. 

While I really do try to keep a stiff upper lip, take it a day at a time, and remain optimistic and hopeful that things will get better soon, it grows harder each day to push myself forward to do what I need to do, and try to do it with a smile on my face, or at least avoid taking it out on the people around me at work and home.

Oh well. It is what it is. This too, shall pass, someday.  Thanks for indulging me as I let it all out. 

Stay healthy!

11 thoughts on “Melody Melody

  1. … wow.

    Seriously, not sure I could do that. Maybe? We put up with a different brand of soul-stealing stress for a decade or so, but I think what you’re going through might be … worse? In a way? “Difficult” doesn’t really seem to say it.

    Know that you are in our thoughts daily. I hope like heck someone knows how to fix this.


  2. Hang in there! This sounds a lot like the mental toll the upstairs neighbors and property management have taken on me during the past year. Even though the upstairs neighbors are moving out, I know it’s in my best interest to move on as well once I’m month to month. That will allow me to split anytime during any given month as long as I give 30 days notice. At this point, I don’t care if the new upstairs neighbors are quiet as a mouse. The damage to my psyche has been done.


  3. I am so sorry that you are feeling so poorly. Not knowing what is wrong doesn’t help the situation. I am glad that you have Jeffery and dogs that can help out in a time like this. Your last photo of your dog was beautiful.


  4. I am very sorry to hear of your struggles. I am grateful for the support you have of a GREAT partner and BFF and of course, the cute munchkins. Know that someone in Wisconsin is thinking of you and hoping you can get some answers soon. Take care and try to “take one step at a time”. It must be so hard and frustrating. Hugs,


  5. It sounds like you have trouble digesting nutrients. People don’t realize a lot of digestion happens once everything gets past the ileum and into the colon. That’s where intestinal flora start the second digestion process and fluids are re-absorbed.

    Digestion goes esophagus, stomach, duodenem, jejunum, ileum and then colon.


  6. It is so frustrating to get no results/no explanations. One sometimes wants a concrete ‘bad’ finding than no finding at all. Dirty secret of Medicine is most of the time they can’t find the explanation.


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