Confessions of a 45 year old, out of shape, lower middle class, white gay man 

Sometimes, on Friday nights, I drink more wine than I should and I reflect on my life and the world.  In those moments:

I miss the people who aren’t here and should be.

I miss the people who aren’t here and shouldn’t be. 

I marvel at what I have and whom I have in my life.

I fret over what I don’t have.

I feel guilt over what I do have.

I question decisions and choices I’ve made. 

I fear where this country is heading.

I wonder what it all means.

I think I can’t “do this” anymore.

I think I’m smarter than everyone.

I think I’m dumber than everyone.

I hate everything about myself.

I forgive myself for everything.

I wish I could right every wrong I’ve perpetrated against others.

I wish I could vindicate every perceived wrong others have perpetrated against me.

I wish I could forgive every perceived wrong others have perpetrated against me.

I wonder how different my life would be if I made other choices.
I’m terrified how different my life would be if I made other choices.

I wonder why I ever cared what other people thought about me and my life choices. 

I wonder why I still care what other people think about me and my life choices.

I wish I was thinner.

I wish I was happier.

I wish I was wealthier.

I wish I was smarter.

I wish I was prettier.

I wish I was more grateful for what I have.

I wish I Had finished college.

I wish I had never met some people.

I wish I mattered more to some people.

I wish I still had a colon and wasn’t gluten intolerant.

I wish life was like a Broadway musical.

I can’t believe how amazing my life is and how lucky I am to have the love of the men in my life, that I do.

I think too much. 

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10 Responses to Confessions of a 45 year old, out of shape, lower middle class, white gay man 

  1. Urspo says:

    These are thoughts that become you. Don’t try to dismiss or deny them.
    And don’t forget to add their opposites are there too, just not on stage at the moment.

  2. concolor44 says:

    Huh. Me, too. How about that?

  3. Smitty says:

    AMEN my sistah!

  4. Robert says:

    All part of beautiful, you 😄

  5. Ron says:

    Love this post 👍😀

  6. Raybeard says:

    Was once accused of being “too complicated”. From your posting looks like it might be a ‘gay thing’. 🙂

  7. Bob Slatten says:

    I think a lot of those same things, too, at times.
    Especially that last one.

  8. Ravager619 says:

    I’ve been having the same feelings lately too.

  9. Ravager619 says:

    I’ve been having a lot of those same feelings lately, too

  10. javabear says:

    Deep thoughts, dude.

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