I have struggled with weight my whole life, and have spent the majority of my 44+ years being overweight, to varying degrees. I finally did something about it, and lost a lot of weight (80 pounds) and kept it off for the better part of 7 years. I was so much happier with myself, my habits and my activity.
However, The weight has slowly crept back in the last couple of years, and my Weight is at the second highest it has ever been. I am so, horribly bitter and ashamed about it, yet I’ve done nothing to change my eating or exercise habits. I’ve had to buy clothes in larger sizes to accommodate my pulcritude, because I can’t fit into more than half of the clothes I already owned.
But I’m done.
Done hating myself.
Done feeling ashamed.
Done feeling powerless.
Done making excuses.
Done using food as comfort.
I examined all my failures and successes. I assessed my wants and needs. I considered all my options. This is what I determined:
I have paid hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in gym fees and have never successfully returned to the gym after my initial 2 years of going. despite enjoying working out, when I actually do it, I have a lot of anxiety about going to the gym, and I cannot or will not make the time or effort to get to a gym.
Accessibility to junk food trumps any semblance of will power. If the bad food is here, I will, eventually, eat it.
I am very communal, and my past successes have been attached to other people taking the journey with me; I tried to find otters to get back on my path with me, but the only one I can rely on to make me successful at this is me.
Having realized all this, I have taken these steps:
1. Admitted that losing weight is important to my physical, sexual and mental well being and something I want to put the effort into doing.
2. Acknowledged that investing in my health is never a waste of money, and working out at home relieves me of anxiety about going to the gym.
3. Accepted that having junk food in the house is a guaranteed recipe for failure, and I have to plan to succeed, not to fail.
4. Assessed what I need to succeed and obtained the tools to do so.
As of today, there is no food that is not vegetable, fruit, fish or lean meat in my house, limiting my access to junk food, pasta, bread, potatoes and the like.
We purchased a weight bench, with weights, and a treadmill will be delivered Monday. We will also purchase an exercise bike, effectively completing a home gym. We had a home gym before and used it regularly.
I have embraced a few positive mantras:
“I am worth the effort.”
“I can do this.”
“I want this”
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
“Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
I’m tired of falling off the wagon. It’s time I take the reins and take control. I want to be the person on the outside that reflects who I feel I am on the inside. I do not believe people have to be thinner to be happy. I do not judge others as I do myself. I think people can be and are beautiful at all shapes and sizes. I just don’t feel comfortable at this size. It makes me unhappy. So, for me, this is a necessary change I need to make to feel good about myself again. I’m putting this out here to make myself accountable.
Wish me success.