I wonder if there will ever be a time when my life and identity feel settled and I am able to just look at my life and say “This is it. Well done. Embrace it. Relax and enjoy.”
No matter how good things seem or settled I feel, or how OK I become with my status quo, invariably something disrupts the calm and suddenly, what seemed like solid ground and sure thing yesterday, seems unsteady and questionable. It could be a change at work, home, schedule, weight, health, social circle, etc.; but just when I feel like its all cool, something shakes me up and I’m struggling between staying put and uprooting and running (figuratively speaking.)
I want to be OK with myself, my life, my choices, my world. But that damn voice resurfaces time and again whispering “This isn’t it. This isn’t you. Things aren’t ok. You’re wrong. Watch out.” Old emotions, fears, anger, hurt, longings, hopes bubble to the surface and put me through the emotional wringer. I get paranoid and distrustful and start to withdrawal and doubt everyone and everything in my life and I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.
I worry that I’ll never learn to be ok with who I am, what I do, where I live, etc. I look back at my life and see my past self as a stranger. All those people now gone, homes and jobs left behind, plans never followed through. I’m not who or what I imagined and hoped I would be and I’m sometimes scared of who I’m becoming. But even if I try to change, am I doing it because I want to, or because I think I should? Will I be happy with the product when all is said and done? Is it weird that I like the person some people think I am more than the person I know I am?
Doubt has become the only thing I can rely on these days, and I’m tired from asking myself the same questions over and over again.