Sometimes, when I am lying awake at night, unable to sleep, I wonder about the “what ifs” in my life. I think about all the choices I made and could have made and the people who have come and gone or are still in my life. I think about money and jobs and our house and my marriage and relationships and family. I think about my body, my health, my belongings, my failures, my dreams and wishes. I think about who I want to be, who I am and who I wish I was or thought I would be. I think of all the people doing things I’ll never do, in places I’ll never see, with people I’ll never know. I start to have this overwhelming feeling of insignificance and I feel ridiculous that I ever thought anything I say or do could really matter to anyone or anything or the universe at large.
Just when I’m feeling completely foolish and utterly useless, I feel one of my dogs stretch or shift or yawn on the blanket, snuggled up next to me; I hear their adorable wheezes and snores and I realize that, no matter what the rest of the world thinks or believes about me, these two creatures trust me and love me and make me feel like the most important person in the world. I reach out and slowly pet their warm little fur covered bodies and I tear up as I try to imagine them lying in someone else’s home, in someone else’s bed, bringing someone else comfort, joy and love. And, in that moment, I start to feel incredibly lucky to have them both in my life. I am suddenly filled with all the purpose I need to put my mind at ease, close my eyes, and slowly drift off to sleep, content, for tonight, that I matter…at least to these two precious little souls.
And that’s enough for now.