And you are…

I’m not finding much motivation these days to do more than is necessary to get through the day. I get up, shower, dress, have breakfast, check on-line messages, pack my backpack, walk to work listening to music, log in to my computer at work, start work, go for a walk at lunch, walk home, wait for Jeffrey to get home, eat dinner, watch a movie or some TV  then head to bed, usually by 8 or 9 pm.

This is, or has been, our routine for the last couple weeks. There is the odd visitor or a dinner out alone or with friends. We’ve seen a movie or two in the theater. We’ve run some errands here and there and done a few chores. But, for the most part, there is a constant lackluster to my day and life and we have become the consummate homebodies.

There’s a part of me that finds it comforting to be encompassed in the mundane and simplicity of routine and daily life, especially after all we’ve been through in the last few months. But part of me misses the excitement of a more active life, the busy social schedule, the people, plans and activities that once filled our life. More accurately, part of me misses the person I was when that was all something I did and wanted to do. Honestly, despite what I’ve said, I can’t truthfully say I’m ready to be back in such a flurry of activity. I don’t think I have enough energy to handle it or care enough to make it happen. I have become so emotionally complacent about everything that I can’t be bothered to care much about anything. I take whatever the day throws at me, handle it and then go to bed to start anew tomorrow. I take people’s words and promises with a grain of salt; I make no solid plans for the future and I haven’t the inspiration to work on or complete the multitude of creative projects I have started or used to enjoy (Drawing, crocheting, knitting.) Nothing really intrigues, excites or titillates me anymore. It’s as if my enthusiasm for everything and anything has just disappeared.

I don’t know if this is good or bad. On one hand, slowing down, at least for now, is a good thing for me emotionally and physically. I need the rest, peace and quiet. On the other hand, I’m worried that I have lost my passion for most things and that what I have become is a subdued shell of the person I once was.  Maybe that’s not a bad thing. I’m 40, happily married, have a good and secure job, friends, clothes on my back and a roof over my head. I’m not unhappy nor am I depressed.  I simply seem to have lost my drive to do more than my daily rut. Even blogging and interacting on-line is something I’m doing more out of habit than passion, to pass the time until I get through the day and go to bed.

It’s like I’m becoming someone different and I haven’t decided if I should fight it or give in to it.

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10 Responses to And you are…

  1. Urspor says:

    perhaps you are merely going through the Law of Undulation viz. our motivation and desires and passions flucuate all the time. Often when people are in the ‘low sine wave section’ they think there is something wrong.

  2. Richard says:

    As you get older you do begin to change the way you look at things and certain things don’t seem as important as they once were. Also, you’ve been sick for a while so you’re probably still recovering. As long as you’re happy that’s all that matters.

  3. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the mundane. Ever.

  4. anne marie in philly says:

    meh, this too shall pass. you are trying a new routine; adjust as necessary; your creative mojo will return.

    smooches to my sassybear!

  5. Buddy Bear says:

    I’m thinking that is feeling due to the summer doldrums rather than a fundamental change in your character. I’m sure when the crisp, fall weather rolls around you will get into the swing of your usual activities, such as playing with you balls… bowling that is.

  6. Chris (in Philly) says:

    It just sounds like you need a break to heal. You guys were forced to uproot your lives and move in a hurry. Then once you moved you got sick for five to six weeks. You need time to heal. That was alot of stress and trauma. Try not be so hard on yourself. It will take you a few months to get used to your new life.

    I was sick last fall and even hospitalized for a few days. It still took me at least four months after that to get my strength back, and that was four months of strict diet, exercise, and good sleep. You will bounce back from all of this just try not to rush it.

  7. Sean says:

    Correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t you just spend like 5 or 6 weeks being very ill? It will take a while to recover your full strength and mental abilities. The fact you’re able to get up and go to work is positive and maybe all you’re capable of right now – enjoy your improving heath and add more activity when you can. I think you’re being a bit too introspective right now.

  8. cawfeeguy says:

    aw, BL, that’s really not like you. it sounds like you’re depressed; not that you don’t have reason to be, with the yea ryou’ve had. have you talked to someone?

  9. To everything there is a season. You’re still the Sassy I love!

  10. D@vid says:

    I’m going through the same thing… we all are. Part of it is the hot weather… you don’t feel like doing anything… part of it is our age… and part of it is, as you said, you need the rest. Your body is telling you something… listen to it. One day, you’ll spring up and be ready to go again… in the meantime… heal. 🙂

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