One Day

It is amazing how quickly life can change with no warning in just one day. All your plans and hopes and expectations turn to dust or completely transform when you discover things about your body and yourself you never knew, when the people you thought you knew become strangers, when the place you called home is no longer yours, or when the members of your family are no longer all here.

But you’d think I’d be used to change in my life – startling change.

One day we moved out on my abusive father and never looked back.

One day I said “I’m gay” out loud and, also, never looked back. (Hard to say which of those freed me more.)

One day I went to the doctors for something I thought was minor and was diagnosed with a disease that altered my body, sex life, and other aspects of my life forever.

One day, I gave into a coffee date with a pestering man who wouldn’t take “no” for an answer and we are celebrating 14 years together this December.

One day, I went from planning pool parties to searching for a new home.

One day, I went to the vet’s with my beloved friend and came home without him.

As a man enamored with structure, control and organization, the randomness of life befuddles me immensely. It causes me to hesitate to commit to anyone or anything, any place and plan. I never know how my health will be one day to the next. I never know who will be in my life tomorrow or next week. I never know what financial crisis will hit wiping out whatever money we had set aside for other things.  I never know if the moments I’m spending with someone I love or care about will be my last.

Intellectually, I accept this is the nature of life, the universe and everything. Emotionally, it terrifies me.

And with each change and loss, I hold on with a looser grip to what is because I can’t prevent what will be no matter how hard I try. I will continue to make choices and try to steer my life the way I want it to go, but with far less expectation that what I want and expect is what will actually be because if I’m not flexible, I’ll surely snap when life suddenly changes direction again without warning.

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8 Responses to One Day

  1. Mark in DE says:

    There’s a saying “Life is what happens while we’re busy making plans”. For sure, we can not predict or control (for the most part) the future. Its wise to have plans and goals for the future, but even wiser to be flexible so we are not destroyed when drastic events occur that change our plans.

    Thinking of you fondly.

  2. Urspo says:

    Those Fateful days ! You never see the real ones coming, they happen out of the blue.

  3. outleft says:

    You can weather any storm Sean. You have it in you to adapt to any change.

  4. D@vid says:

    Security in insecurity…. that’s my mantra… if you are secure with the idea that you will be ok no matter what happens, then you will be. You’re a strong individual and an inspiration.

  5. Buddy Bear says:

    A very thoughtful and poignant post. That is the reality of life; the uncertainty of it all. Most people have difficulty accepting the fact that, at times, we have very little control over what happens to us. This is why we all should try very hard to enjoy just being in the present moment…. you never know what the future will bring.

    No matter what other drama is distracting us, there is always something positive to celebrate, if we focus intensely enough on the present moment. It might be something as simple as breathing, being pain-free or looking at a beautiful flower or a beautiful man.

  6. So well said. We never know what tomorrow may bring. We live for the days of sunshine. And we grow from the days of darkness and gloom. Through a period of massive upheaval and change in my life, I’ve met some of my life’s best friends. I count you and Jeffrey among those friends. And the word ‘friends’ doesn’t seem adequate enough. I am eternally grateful that our paths have crossed and look forward to them crossing again. (I’ll be in Albany in October . . . ) Love you!

  7. Wayne says:

    I am so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, change is the only constant in life. I know that sounds trite. Hopefully you can see how these changes have helped to make you stronger. And as to your pet, as my Jewish friends would say, “May his memory be for a blessing.”

  8. Brent says:

    I can so relate to this post right now…. so many changes for me…. and possibly none.

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