I sit here trying to compose a post to express emotions and pain the depths of which I have never felt. Even typing this makes it more real then I’m prepared to handle and I’m barely able to compose myself enough to stop the tears and see the keys.
In an act that still seems inconceivable to me, I gave the word that ended my dogs life today. I made the decisions to make him unconscious, stop his heart and end his life, and prevent myself from ever looking in his eyes again, feeling him lick my face or holding him next me and feeling his warm embrace, his heart beating next to mine.
I will never know his joy at my arriving home, or his thoughtful cries each time I have left him. I will never feel his warm and trusting furry body press up against me or his protective fierce love as he shields me from all harm while I am sick and in pain.
I will never watch him bound across the yard or see him eagerly lap up a treat again.
He was my best friend and confidant. He nursed me through more emotional and physical pain than anyone and he has always been there for me no matter what.
I have survived pain unspeakable and the loss of people in my life that have broken me in ways I did not know the human heart could break.
But this. This surpasses them all. I have lost a dear friend, a part of my family, my home, my life. I have lost a part of me. This is a pain like I have never known. I have lost someone that has loved me in ways no one ever has and I have lost someone that I have loved more than I have ever loved in my life.
I am lost and hurting and I don’t know how to face tomorrow without him.
I never knew I would feel this level of loss or pain.
I know our choice was right. I vowed to him that I would never let him suffer for my own comfort, and I know we made the right, compassionate choice. The only choice.
And I am happy his pain has ended.
But mine has only begun.
I love you with all my heart, Clyde E. Breen and I miss you terribly and always will.
Thank you for everything. You were the best dog, pet, nurse, friend, buddy and confidant and my life will be less without you in it.
Rest in Peace. Your Daddy loves and misses you so very much.