Pain

I sit here trying to compose a post to express emotions and pain the depths of which I have never felt.  Even typing this makes it more real then I’m prepared to handle and I’m barely able to compose myself enough to stop the tears and see the keys.

In an act that still seems inconceivable to me, I gave the word that ended my dogs life today. I made the decisions to make him unconscious, stop his heart and end his life, and  prevent myself from ever looking in his eyes again, feeling him lick my face or holding him next me and feeling his warm embrace, his heart beating next to mine.

I will never know his joy at my arriving home, or his thoughtful cries each time I have left him. I will never feel his warm and trusting furry body press up against me or his protective fierce love as he shields me from all harm while I am sick and in pain.

I will never watch him bound  across the yard or see him eagerly lap up a treat again.

He was my best friend and confidant. He nursed me through more emotional and physical pain than anyone and he has always been there for me no matter what.

I have survived pain unspeakable and the loss of people in my life that have broken me in ways I did not know the human heart could break.

But this. This surpasses them all. I have lost a dear friend, a part of my family, my home, my life. I have lost a part of me. This is a pain like I have never known. I have lost someone that has loved me in ways no one ever has and I have lost someone that I have loved more than I have ever loved in my life.

I am lost and hurting and I don’t know how to face tomorrow without him.

I never knew I would feel this level of loss or pain.

I know our choice was right. I vowed to him that I would never let him suffer for my own comfort, and I know we made the right, compassionate choice.  The only choice.

And I am happy his pain has ended.

But mine has only begun.

I love you with all my heart, Clyde E. Breen and I  miss you terribly and always will.

Thank you for everything. You were the best dog, pet, nurse, friend, buddy and confidant and my life will be less without you in it.

Rest in Peace. Your Daddy loves and misses you so very much.

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18 Responses to Pain

  1. outleft says:

    Sean, it will take time for the pain to subside. We’ve had to do this several times and it does not get any easier, I can tell you that. Clyde was like a son to you, he just happened to be a different species, and feeling the great loss and pain you have now, shows how much he meant to you. When you don’t believe in a deity or deities every loss of life seems to mean a bit more. The beauty of the natural world and all of its’ processes mean a little more. He was a little natural wonder, that you shared a life with. The relationship you had will never be repeated in all the universe. Dealing with the fact that Clyde is gone forever makes it that much harder to deal with. You aren’t alone. Treasure your memories, live for the day, dream for the future. Clyde would want you to be happy. Companion animals always do. They can’t help it.

  2. Bill J says:

    I am so sorry.

  3. Raybeard says:

    My God, Sean. I’m numb with reading your pain. Don’t know what to say. Bless you, dear little Clyde. Bless the memory of your beautiful little self. Thank you so much for the loveliness and happiness you gave to your daddies – and also to us from so far away. You’ll always keep your place in our hearts. And warm, consoling hugs to you, dear Sean. Can’t write any more for now. XXXXXX.

  4. Richard says:

    Like everyone else has said before, no words can express the loss you feel. But at least take comfort in knowing that he had a wonderful home and life. Many animals out there aren’t fortunate enough to experience that. He left this world knowing the true meaning of love, and that’s something that you gave him.

  5. wcs says:

    All of us who’ve been through this understand and truly sympathize with you. You and Jeffrey gave Clyde the best gift: your love.

    Hang in there; Buddy Bear is spot on. To co-opt a line you are familiar with: It gets better.

  6. Robin says:

    Dear Sean,

    I am so sorry for your loss. To see you in such pain, is a very difficult thing. Please know that my thoughts and well wishes are with you and Jeffrey. The unconditional love that Buddy Bear speaks of is a precious gift, which goes both ways. I found this beautiful sentiment at bluemountain.com and would like to share it with you…”We love our pets because they are somehow like ourselves, only with more innocence and trust.”
    Much Love and Hugs
    – Robin

  7. D@vid says:

    I worked ten hours today, came home and fell asleep for a few. I’m not sure what prompted me to get up, log on and check your blog… I’ve gone from groggy to shocked to frustrated that it’s now so late that I just want to call you.

    Although you don’t really go into details about what happened, just know that I have been there and I understand what you’re going through. I, too, had to put my dog, Shelby, to sleep a few years ago after she began having mini strokes and heart problems at around 12 years old.

    So much of us goes into our pets and vice versa. The lengths that we go to accomodate them in the promise that we make to them when we get them rivals that of a mother and a baby. Major decisions are made around them… sacrifices are made… and our lives are changed forever. Unconditional love, protection, and companionship are a give and take, most times… with them giving to us. How many bad days that I had that when I walked in the door and Shelby jumped up on my leg to get her kiss, it was all erased as I picked her up and hugged her. She added a sense of stability to my life… and gave me a reason many times to go on when I just wanted to give up.

    Making the decision to put them out of their pain at the cause of our own is the biggest and most valiantly commendable sacrifice that says alot about a person. You gave Clyde a good life and honored him throughout, as well as in the end.

    Big hugs to you and Jeffrey. I wish there was more that I could do or say to ease your pain…

    Love,
    David

  8. Doug Baker says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. There is no love than that given to you by your dog and no pain like the loss. I held my Bailey as he passed and I have never cried so hard for anything in my life. He was my joy, my friend and I will never have a dog like him again. As time goes on the pain will lessen and there will always be a place in your heart for Clyde. As I write this I cry for your loss but know that Clyde (and my Bailey) are waiting for us on the other side ready to run and jump and be our faithful companions once more.

  9. Brent says:

    So sorry to hear this news. Always a tough decision, but I’m sure you did the right thing.

  10. glen rosen says:

    There isn’t an appropriate comment to express my condolences, but the BEST gift you gave Clyde was to end his suffering. That is true love. I am grateful that we can care for our pets this way instead of watching them suffer. Take good care of yourself and Jeffrey, too.

  11. Ray says:

    I don’t know what to say…. wished i could be there with you like i did for my best friend, Steve, when his dog and cat passed within six month of each other in the same year. I agree with Buddy Bear though Clyde is not physically there with you anymore, he lives inside you now – all the fond memories you have had with Clyde. You will have Clyde with you everywhere you go. Hugs…

  12. Buddy Bear says:

    My deepest condolences to you and Jeffrey for your loss. It’s the unconditional love that our dogs give to us which makes it a relationship unlike any other. I say can from experience that you won’t ‘get over’ your sadness over the loss of a family member nor would you want to. But your sadness will fade after a period of many years, yet all the fond memories of your life with Clyde will remain. Through the many pictures you have of Clyde, focus on these pleasant memories. Keep in mind at all times that you gave him a fantastic life; he was the luckiest dog in the world to have been loved by you and Jeffrey.

  13. Kelly says:

    There is nothing we can say or do that will bring Clyde back or make you feel any better about the situation, but do know that Jeff and I truly sorry for your loss and we are thinking about you and Jeffrey…hang in there bud! Love ya… Kelly and Jeff

  14. Blobby says:

    I know from this pain. I do not think I will cry as hard for my parents when they go as I did for my Tovah.

    It is difficult but do not focus on the things you won’t do now, but what you had with him and he with you. I find myself smiling at the littlest things when I think of my lost pets and eventually the sorrow, while didn’t go away, was lessened.

    You never know when is the “right time”, so we do the best we can with them – and I’m sure you did. Be strong.

  15. Cubby says:

    I feel terrible for you Sean. I’m so sorry to hear this.

  16. Urspo says:

    The loss of a pet is a pain like nothing else; not even the loss of a child or a parent is like it. And there is no words to express it; all are lame and useless ones.
    The one thing that makes it bearable is knowing there are so many people who relate and support you.
    The pain will pass; the love will stay, always.

  17. James says:

    I am so sorry for your loss right now Sean. I don’t know what I would do if I lost either Oscar or Monte, they are so precious to me. Clyde was such a wonderful dog, and I was happy to know him for the years we did. He will be greatly missed.

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