>Unsettled

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I am tired. Weary tired. Bone deep, go to bed at 8:00 pm, can’t get out of bed, too tired to drive, tired. I think a lot of it is emotional.

The heaviness of what we have to do is weighing on me. Beyond the time and effort to find a new home, the reality that we will have to once again pack up our life, load it onto a truck and move it somewhere else is overwhelming. I have done this so many times in my life I have almost lost count. I just did a quick tally and I have moved at least 34 times in 40 years.

34 times.

In 40 Years.

This experience has made me realize that it’s probably time to get serious about preparing to eventually buy a house again. (We owned one once and, in fact, this blog started in that house just before we sold it.) I have not wanted the financial obligation or the hassle of owning a house again (we were mortgage poor and the process of buying and then selling was one of the most traumatic and stressful experiences of my life) but there is a whole other element to buying a house I now have to consider more seriously: never being at the mercy of a landlord or house sale again and staying put for longer than a year at a time – actually being settled.

I am getting too old to do this. My nerves are too shot, my health too poor. I cannot uproot my life every year or every time someone wants to sell their house.

I am literally afraid of the move. The dismantling and packing, getting the truck or movers (can’t decide which to go with…one is a lot more work, the other is a lot more expensive), physically loading and unloading and carrying and going up and down stairs, fitting through door ways, setting up house and unpacking. It always comes with a lot of blood, sweat and tears and I can already feel the tension and the physical ramifications of that stress building. And we haven’t even found a new place yet. Oy! I just don’t know where I’m going to find the strength and energy to do it all again. I turn 40 in 35 days and I instead of looking at how settled I am in life, I will be amid a sea of boxes for the umpteenth time.

Still, this is where we’re at and this is going to happen so I’ll just have to suck it up and make it through like always.

Let the purging begin.

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