It’s always weird when I’m sick and don’t have the energy or desire or physical capacity to get up and about per my usual behavior and habits. I have never gotten used to being so inactive or energiless, despite the inordinate amount of times I find myself in this situation; and whenever I am like this, without the distraction of my friends and activities, my mind gets to wandering to all kinds of places, some of theme dark, but most of them just…contemplative. I start questioning where I am, what I’m doing, where I want to be and what I want to do. I think about all the relationships in my life, the ones that exist or the ones that used to, and the people I have yet, but still hope, to meet. I think about my health (obviously) and my body…all the efforts I’ve made and continue to make, my successes and failures, how far I’ve come and how far I have yet to go; the things I have control over (my weight and exercise) and the things I don’t (compromised digestive track and the various inflammations and ailments that come with it.) I think about society and all the things I have come to reject about what I was taught to believe about my life and the world and right and wrong. I think about my marriage and my dog, my career and my debt, the places I’ve been and the places I still want to go. I think about the things I hope will change and the things I hope never will. Ultimately, I come to that moment where I ask myself: Am I happy? Am I content? Is this enough? Could I do better? Should I? Will I? Will this be my life in a year or will it all change, for better or for worse? After all, my life now is NOTHING like it was 5 years ago…a different home, different job, new cast of friends….nothing stays the same. I try not to spend a lot of time worrying about things (and am rarely successful.) I try very hard to accept things the way they are, to accept people for who they are and to accept myself as I am. Things happen and all we can do is try to react and adapt the best we can. And then I wonder:
Just what the hell is in this cold medicine anyway?