It seems as though the only way I can adhere to my calorie count is to never go out to eat or socialize and it seems like the only way I can get myself to the gym is if I skip all other social plans and head straight there after work or go to bed at 8:00 pm so I can get up at four. I know that’s not true and there’s a way to socialize without skipping the gym or overeating/exceeding calories, but it sure FEELS like having a life and watching my weight/exercise are incompatible. At least, for me. I miss my gym buddy, work out partner and motivator. Anyone wanna join me at the gym and make me lift weights?
Turning the other cheek.
I have been slapped a lot in my life, figuratively anyway, and I have always (though not always successfully) tried to turn the other cheek. But the skin on my cheeks has eroded over the years, taking a particularly harsh bitch slapping from an unusually high number of folk last year, and I am left with a very thin skin; my tolerance for the same lies, deceptions, bullshit, passive aggressive behavior and abuse from the same people or types of people gets harder and harder to tolerate. When is enough enough? And why does it seem like I am the only one ever expected to take the high road or be the nice guy when everyone else gets to be a total dick?
I am still angry and I still cannot spend money there or walk through their doors, but I miss it so much and it has made our life much more complicated trying to find alternative places to shop. (I suppose if principles were easy, everyone would have them.) Still, I want some sweeping grand gesture that will make everything OK again in my head and heart so I can go back there. But just so I can get my cornflakes, sneakers, greeting cards and “never knew it existed but can’t live with out it” items. Also, I miss my candid shots of me and my friends molesting the red balls out front. Sigh…
Being a good husband.
Jeffrey is having a rough week, physically and mentally and I should be more patient, supportive and understanding; BUT, I am having trouble because I am having a rough week too and all my energy is focused on trying to survive the week and not take it out on him (or anyone, for that matter.) Between the two of us it has not been a bundle of warmth, laughter and compassion this last week. We don’t fight, we don’t scream or call names, but the disconnect and friction is disturbing. It will pass, but I wish I was better able to drop my own stuff and focus on being more supportive for him right now.
There is so much I want to say and share here that I dare not for fear of who reads my blog. I have considered requiring a pass word and asking folks to request it from me so I can control who reads my blog, but that scares off new readers or people who don’t want to put the effort into logging in. It was suggested I start another blog with the more “private” and “adult” content but how do I bring along my current readers who want to come without bringing others along I don’t?
I really want to cull my “friends” on FB to people who actually ARE my friends or I have some real ongoing communication and relationship with (and, yes, that includes people I only know on line but have come to know through e-mails, blogs and Facebook.) BUT I don’t want to start some big “thing” because I de-friend people. It is so valuable to me to keep in touch with my circle of friends and interact when we can’t get together in person (or when we want to), but I don’t like the pressure of having to add or keep people as “friends” when they are so clearly not. It is amazing the number of people right now who don’t really talk to me on line or in person yet stay on my friend list, or pressure me into friending them when we hardly know each other at all, or ask me to add them and then are upset when I don’t. Or I DO friend, but then we NEVER interact at all and I forget who they are and why they’re on my Friend list in the first place. Or I UNfriend them and they act like I pissed on them in public and severed their limbs. Maybe it’s time to just delete the whole thing and walk away.
The dark and cold is depressing and agitating me more than it ever has. I barely want to leave the house and I am in a perpetual state of glum about it, which I’m sure is impacting much of everything else I mentioned above.