>Things I am struggling with lately


Returning to a strict calorie count and gym routine.

It seems as though the only way I can adhere to my calorie count is to never go out to eat or socialize and it seems like the only way I can get myself to the gym is if I skip all other social plans and head straight there after work or go to bed at 8:00 pm so I can get up at four. I know that’s not true and there’s a way to socialize without skipping the gym or overeating/exceeding calories, but it sure FEELS like having a life and watching my weight/exercise are incompatible. At least, for me. I miss my gym buddy, work out partner and motivator. Anyone wanna join me at the gym and make me lift weights?

Turning the other cheek.

I have been slapped a lot in my life, figuratively anyway, and I have always (though not always successfully) tried to turn the other cheek. But the skin on my cheeks has eroded over the years, taking a particularly harsh bitch slapping from an unusually high number of folk last year, and I am left with a very thin skin; my tolerance for the same lies, deceptions, bullshit, passive aggressive behavior and abuse from the same people or types of people gets harder and harder to tolerate. When is enough enough? And why does it seem like I am the only one ever expected to take the high road or be the nice guy when everyone else gets to be a total dick?

Boycotting Target.

I am still angry and I still cannot spend money there or walk through their doors, but I miss it so much and it has made our life much more complicated trying to find alternative places to shop. (I suppose if principles were easy, everyone would have them.) Still, I want some sweeping grand gesture that will make everything OK again in my head and heart so I can go back there. But just so I can get my cornflakes, sneakers, greeting cards and “never knew it existed but can’t live with out it” items. Also, I miss my candid shots of me and my friends molesting the red balls out front. Sigh…

Being a good husband.

Jeffrey is having a rough week, physically and mentally and I should be more patient, supportive and understanding; BUT, I am having trouble because I am having a rough week too and all my energy is focused on trying to survive the week and not take it out on him (or anyone, for that matter.) Between the two of us it has not been a bundle of warmth, laughter and compassion this last week. We don’t fight, we don’t scream or call names, but the disconnect and friction is disturbing. It will pass, but I wish I was better able to drop my own stuff and focus on being more supportive for him right now.

My Blog

There is so much I want to say and share here that I dare not for fear of who reads my blog. I have considered requiring a pass word and asking folks to request it from me so I can control who reads my blog, but that scares off new readers or people who don’t want to put the effort into logging in. It was suggested I start another blog with the more “private” and “adult” content but how do I bring along my current readers who want to come without bringing others along I don’t?


I really want to cull my “friends” on FB to people who actually ARE my friends or I have some real ongoing communication and relationship with (and, yes, that includes people I only know on line but have come to know through e-mails, blogs and Facebook.) BUT I don’t want to start some big “thing” because I de-friend people. It is so valuable to me to keep in touch with my circle of friends and interact when we can’t get together in person (or when we want to), but I don’t like the pressure of having to add or keep people as “friends” when they are so clearly not. It is amazing the number of people right now who don’t really talk to me on line or in person yet stay on my friend list, or pressure me into friending them when we hardly know each other at all, or ask me to add them and then are upset when I don’t. Or I DO friend, but then we NEVER interact at all and I forget who they are and why they’re on my Friend list in the first place. Or I UNfriend them and they act like I pissed on them in public and severed their limbs. Maybe it’s time to just delete the whole thing and walk away.


The dark and cold is depressing and agitating me more than it ever has. I barely want to leave the house and I am in a perpetual state of glum about it, which I’m sure is impacting much of everything else I mentioned above.

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11 Responses to >Things I am struggling with lately

  1. Breenlantern says:

    >Kyle: A lot, and probably most if I'm being honest and realistic, of what I do is about my own personal feelings and attitudes towards things. I know now I will not change the world or the hearts and minds of most people, but I struggle to continue to be true to myself and my values and ethics even if they don't always impact others the way I wish they would. As they say, what is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right. Someone once said "It is not what you do when someone is watching that determines who you are, it is what you do when no one is." I could shop at Target (or do anything else, for that matter) or not and the only one it would matter to, the only one who would care, is me. But that, after all, is the most person that matters most, eh?

  2. Kyle says:

    >Sean, I feel the same way about many eco decisions I make. I thought that was how you felt from your previous posts. You are right. It isn't necessarily about the immediate impact, sometimes you just feel it is the decision you have to make for yourself. I can certainly respect that.:)

  3. Breenlantern says:

    >Kyle: I don't boycott Target because I think it will impact them. I stopped shopping there because I no longer felt OK about spending my money in their store. It's not always about how it effects them. Sometimes, it's just about how it effects me 🙂

  4. Kyle says:

    >Sean, you need a BIG hug! Consider yourself hugged. Living life, as you like to do, makes skimping on life hard. It is not that the food- gym- social life are incompatible. I think peer pressure is playing havoc on your food-gym plans.Don't take abuse; you are better than that.Target(said as if it is French)I'm not big on boycotting. In our consumerist world I don't think boycotting anything really helps. Supporting things you want to thrive does help. Something to consider: Are the places you are buying things from now really any better than buying from Target? In our area nothing is really gay -friendly, most companies give to both sides or in the worst cases just the dark side.Wish I was a better husband too. Disconnects are part of relationships. Making sure that the disconnects don't become part of the relationship is crucial. It doesn't sound like either of you will let that happen.Cull/restrict all you need to on FB and the blog. You know I keep a very small FB circle; I like to socialize with the few people I actually care about in the world. FB and your blog are there for you.I love and need winter and I hate it. Need I say more?

  5. Breenlantern says:

    >C: I love the word cull. How odd we both used it since it is so obscure these days. (I love the word obscure, too)VTT: Never hesitate to comment. We all understand you are using a language that is not you first and we appreciate your efforts to share your thoughts. I have never had a knack for a foreign language so I'm impressed with your abilities to speak and understand more than one.AM: Let's swap air hugs.WCS: That's not spring…it's me *snicker*RB: I'm really referring to people I have no other interactions with outside of FB save for their initial request to be FB friends…you do not fit that category…Alan: Always try to do that buddy. You know what else helps? Pictures *evil grin*

  6. Alan says:

    >Maybe try to focus on the one thing that really matters (you and Jeffrey) and, for now, let everything else sort itself out.

  7. Raybeard says:

    >As Cubby says, above, this is a mighty 'big' blog of yours. But just a passing comment on the 'turning the other cheek' expression, which I hope you don't take as being frivolous, following the earnestness of the rest of your words. When did anyone last hear of a zealous Christian, or ANY Christian, willingly 'turn the other cheek'? I can't offhand recall ANY instances. I bet if J.C. was still alive(!) he'd wish he'd never uttered that fatuous instruction.As to your blog as a whole – deep food for thought. But if it helps in a tiny way, you've probably noticed that I hardly ever visit FB so if you want to delete my name I won't mind a bit – as long as I can still contact you via blogs and e-mail. Best wishes, Wonderboy.

  8. wcs says:

    >Oh, those winter blues. Yup. I think that may be at the base of your feelings. The other things are real, but the winter blues just amplify them. I hate when that happens.Spring is coming. 🙂

  9. anne marie says:

    >winter has got me down too, honey. I am gong back on meds before I do something stupid. I am tired of crying all the time.

  10. >I wanna say a lot when reading your blog and statuses on FB but I feel shy of my English and don't know whether my comments are appropriate. That's made me a silent reader.

  11. Cubby says:

    >Oh geez, I have a lot to comment on. It's going to be big, so I'll write you privately via email.But let me make a comment here on your plan to cull your FB list. That word, cull, doesn't come up too often. I'm publishing a post tomorrow titled "Blog Cull". It's a bit of a coincidence we're both using the word this week.

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