Despite my struggle to build a stronger defense and grow a thicker skin, to keep things in perspective and not imbue things that really should have no true bearing on my sense of self worth with personal meaning, it amazes me how the most innocent and innocuous of comments can send me into a self loathing spiral. A simple reference to a heavy person not trying hard enough to lose weight is enough to cause all of the self loathing and body issues I have to bubble to the surface and overwhelm me with shame and disgust. All the demons that have haunted me my whole life come rushing to the surface, making me want to cover up, hide away and stop eating all together. To embrace the fear that I have no real self control, I am doomed to be trapped in a body I despise and that I am not a worthy lover, person or friend because of it. It makes me wonder if my friends are embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me; I suddenly cringe at all the times I have dared to prance about naked or in just a bathing suit in front of people without a care in the world; all the Undie Monday pics I have posted; the times I have worn a T-shirt that showed off my paunch or rolls or wore jeans that were snug when they should have been baggy. I wonder how I could ever feel OK with myself or my body when the reality is, I still hate my body and myself for looking this way. This all leads to a depression and funk that sometimes encourages me to get back on track and make diet and exercise my sole purpose and focus every day, and other times sends me in the other direction and my compulsive eating and natural propensity for slothness kicks in, all depending on what reserves of will power I am able to muster at any given time.
What drives me craziest about all of this is that I see the beauty in other men so clearly, from the well toned men to the pleasantly plump. I love the variety and diversity of curve and form. I am attracted to confidant, secure men, regardless of their size or weight. I truly believe all of my friends are beautiful inside and out and encourage them to be comfortable in and out of clothes, to recognize their own beauty and to be proud of themselves.
SO why can’t I find that own level of constant, positive reinforcement for myself? And why, even when I start to feel closer to that, do I allow even the simplest aside to shatter it all?