It’s possible some of you reading my Blog may not know or have forgotten what this space is for and why I am here.
I started this blog to express my feelings and emotions as authentically as possible, without apology, repression or shame. It is a place for me to express, uncensored, my greatest joys and worst fears and all the emotions in-between; it is not here to please the masses or for me to try to be what others want and expect of me. I don’t play by the rules well and I don’t apologize for who and what I am.
Recently I posted my response to the prop 8 shoot-down. Several people felt the need to criticize me and accuse me of being inappropriate for my very blatant “mean spirited” comment and picture, extrapolating that I thought this is the way we should always approach the battle for civil rights and equality.
I offer this as an explanation, not an excuse or apology (because it needs neither) for that post and what I was feeling at the time.
I am 39 years old. I have felt same-sex attractions as of the age of 5, known I was gay since I was 9, came out at the age of 18 and have lived as an openly gay man since then. I have now spent more of my life out of the closet than I spent in it. In that time I have:
Fought for acceptance, acknowledgment and fair treatment at my colleges, at my places of employment, in my community and among my family, friends, and neighbors.
I have rallied for, lobbied for, marched for, sent money to support and spoken out in favor of equal rights for glbt people.
I have used Facebook and my Blog as a platform to champion the rights of glbt people and all those who have been and are discriminated against.
I continue to educate others and celebrate who I am.
I have been married to one man 6 times in 5 locations and we live as an openly gay married couple.
We have done joint training sessions for family court volunteers to help educate people on how to handle family rifts involving a child coming out.
I have stood up to a homophobic supervisor and instigated change in my current agency for more and better training involving the unique issues of glbt employees.
In all of this time, I have always remained civil, professional, appropriate and calm, despite the fact that, for 39 years I have been bombarded with the following messages, at any given time, from one or more family members, “friends”, religious institutions, politicians, communities , co-workers and employers, that, because I am gay I am:
a destroyer of marriage
a disease spreader
a danger to our youth
a danger to my community
unfit to serve my country
undeserving to love and marry
I have been screamed at while alone walking down the street, with friends at gay events, and hand in hand with my husband returning to our car after being married. I have been picked on, punched, spit on, pushed, hit with foreign objects and threatened for being gay or suspected gay. I have had offensive and insulting, anti-gay stuff put on and in my locker when I was at school, at my work stations and on my front doors and mailboxes.
I have been bombarded day after day, all day, every waking hour by messages from every TV show, movie, song, commercial and ad that heterosexual people are the only people who are deserving of life, love, liberty and pursuit of happiness.
I have watched my peers marry and gain and use benefits and have their families and spouses celebrated, acknowledged and respected without incident while I have remained invisible in language and been excluded from and or denied practically everything at one point or another solely because I was gay.
39 years of this. Without a break.
In 2008 a group of American citizens passed Proposition 8, revoking civil marriage rights for lesbians and gay men after a long drawn out smear campaign during which blatant lies were told defaming glbt people, making up false facts and statistics about who we are as people and Americans and filling peoples heads with fears and lies based solely on people’s ignorance and religious beliefs and then reveled in what they had done, without apology. They celebrated their hate and deception openly and arrogantly with no apologies or compassion for the millions of glbt people and families they had just negatively impacted and offended.
Two days ago, a Judge thoroughly and systematically picked apart every piece of this garbage proposition and pointed out the blatant discrimination, rhetoric and fallacy not only within the finding but the process that led up to its passing.
And in that moment, when a powerful, authoritative figure made a very rare public pronouncement literally smashing apart this institutionalized discrimination, honoring and vindicating the millions of gay Americans, all of my anger and frustration and jubilance came out in a very emotional, succinct response on my personal blog and Facebook page saying to those that took great joy in legally screwing me, my friends, my family and my community with such vitriol and hate, in essence, fuck you.
And this met with everything from mild to brutal admonition from readers, bloggers, and friends. The message I got was that I am not allowed to show my anger in any way, even “privately” on my own blog and FB page and that I should at all times be humble and polite and civil regardless of how I feel or what I’m put through.
And, as people questioned me as to why I was so angry or lashing out “inappropriately” in such a way, my only thought was “why are you not?”
So let me be perfectly clear:
I play the good little gay to the best of my ability for the majority of my life and the situations I’m in, despite being given every reason not to. However, sometimes I stop being a David Goldstein and my Harvey Milk slips out and, every now and then, on my Blog and on my Facebook wall, my sincere, authentic, emotional, reactive human side gets the better of me and I let out a healthy, purging, cathartic scream and “fuck you” to the powers that be and the community I live in and my enemies and the world that seeks to demean and demoralize me, vilify me, push me back, hold me down, deny me my rights, and harm my spouse, family and friends.
And I don’t and won’t apologize for that, especially because it is, in fact, so completely appropriate for me to do.
Or, to put it another way: I refuse to apologize to someone for getting shit on their dick when they fuck me raw in the ass against my will.
Yes, sometimes, my peaceful, “play nicely” facade cracks and I lash out in my own personal corner of the web now and then. If that makes me a lesser person, if that makes you better than me in your mind, then so be it. This is part of who I am, this is how I genuinely feel and react sometimes and this is who you are going to see on this blog from time to time, despite my best efforts to be otherwise, for better or for worse.
Deal with it.