As many of you fellow bloggers know, sooner or later we bloggers are faced with choices about who we are on our blog, what our blog is about and what content we will and won’t post. We have to consider who may make their way to our blogs and what impact that could have with us in the real world.
As a general rule, I do not tell most people I knew from my pre-blog life about my blog. My current circle of close knits know about it, but they also know a lot more about me than many people from my prior life so there are few, if any, secrets I have from them any way. And of course, most of you know me solely because my blog exists.
I have no idea if any of my current coworkers, family members or pre-blog friends and acquaintances knows about and/or read my blog. If they do, they’ve never said so. Part of me wants to know if any of them do, part of me prefers not to know. Ignorance can be bliss when you’re posting pics of yourself spread eagle on the bed in your briefs once a week or talking about your neurotic tendencies and irrational fears and behaviors.
Many of my posts deal with my personal feelings and thoughts about the people and places in my life and it can be hard to share them here for fear the subject of my post will read it and know it pertains to them and take offense. Which is kind of funny since the whole point of the blog is for me to share things I can’t otherwise share in my non-web life. I don’t like neutering or censoring myself, but I also don’t like hurting people’s feelings if I can avoid it. But this is one space I want and need to be able to put myself first above all others. What is the point of a blog about me if it isn’t really about the real me? What is the point of taking a journey to self discovery only to hide what I discover?
But then I wonder: is SOME censorship good? Should some things be kept locked inside my heart and head for me and me alone? I strive for honesty at all cost, but honesty can be painful for both me and the people it is directed at. I have tarnished and lost friendships due to my honesty and candidness. (FYI: This is usually because they ask me questions they don’t really want the true answers to, so I only take partial blame for not lying just to make them feel better.) I wonder if people really want or need to know just what I think about some things. Do they really want to discover all of my sexual secrets? Do they want to be privy to my true insanity? (Yeah, there’s still some really weird stuff buried in this head of mine.) Would my husband care if I shared all the trials and tribulations of our marriage and life together? What if my closest friends knew how I felt about every little thing they said and did? (Are any of you worried? Don’t be. I’m not saying there ARE things I haven’t revealed, I’m just asking, if there were, would you really want to know?)
I have seriously considered relocating my blog to a new place, maintaining a stricter anonymity and just inviting those along I feel comfortable sharing my life adventure with. This would allow me to really let it all hang out, literally and figuratively. I have such a desire to hold nothing back and talk about so many things, that I hesitate to, on my current blog. But this blog has become so much more than a mere record of events and thoughts in my life. It has become a canvas on which I discover and reveal parts of myself I some times don’t realize exist until they are exposed through my written words – a form of self therapy and actualization where I can purge raw thoughts and feelings from my head and then read and reflect on them.
I am one who prefers absolute candor, even when it hurts. I always prefer “the cards on the table” approach – to know what and who I’m dealing with and to present myself as honestly as I can so no one ever feels deceived about who and what I am. I prefer reading “slice of life” blogs by people who share their every day lives. Real people with daily struggles and revelations I can identify with. Even in the sometimes “mundane” goings on of their lives, I find inspiration and comfort in the familiarity of experience and emotion. And when one of them takes a leap and reveals on a startling level, I am blown away by their honesty. I think some times being truly honest is the bravest thing anyone can do.
I have been working on letting go of the need to be liked by everyone and I am learning to be OK with the fact that some people – many people – don’t like me or won’t as they learn more about me. I am sure I offend many people’s sense of “right” and “good” and “decency”.” When you’re an ultra liberal, openly gay/same-sex married, non-monogamous, pro-choice, atheist, nudist, comic book geek with serious body and food issues, you tend to piss off or scare a lot of people just by existing so you better get used to not being everyone’s favorite
So, as I continue to change, evolve and grow and learn about myself and how I fit into the world, I expect my blog will reflect that in increasing brutal honesty. It may become more revealing, which can be very risky but, for me, it’s part of my desire to share my journey to discovering my true self without apology or adherence to others’ standards and parameters.
I hope you will continue to follow along, regardless of what I reveal. I hope those that choose to come here and follow my journey or experience my inanity understand they have made a choice to know all the layers, good and bad, with little or no filters and that their lives and choices are not “de-validated” because of anything they read here. I’m just one guy looking at the world through one set of eyes and experiencing things from one point of view, these are MY truths and MY reality, and rarely is anything on this blog about anything other than me and how I interact with and perceive the world around me.. I don’t expect you to like everything about me or agree with everything I say but I hope, on some level, you’ll take at least one message away from your experience here: be yourself with no apologies, because those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind. And in the end, the only one you really need approval from is your
Happy Thursday all.