Memories and Misunderstandings

I went through a period in my youth during which I had nightmares about Santa Clause coming into my room and attacking me. Something about a giant strange man breaking into my house while my entire family slept once a year did not sit well in my little gay head and scared the bejeebus out of me.

After I officially stopped smoking at work many years ago, I still carried cigarettes with me so if people wanted to “bum one” I had one to give. I felt bad, otherwise, that I did not have any to offer.

I thought I would be tall, thin and blonde when I grew up. At least, that’s how I use to picture myself as an adult when I was younger.

I used to “cast spells” when I was younger, and always believed they worked, but worked on other people in other places as opposed to the people I directed them at. I just thought I was bad at it, but I was convinced I was really doing it because I could FEEL the magic come out of me. The most common spell I cast was for my Mom to come home whenever she was out.

The first time I masturbated to ejaculation, I thought I hurt myself.

I thought I would eventually get my period. No one ever told me it was a girl thing.

I was terrified of shaving and watched, worriedly, every day for my first whiskers to grow. No one ever taught me how to shave and I was afraid that if I scraped a razor across my face, I would carve off my skin.

The first time I ever got drunk, I was 17 and it was on Screwdrivers (Vodka and O.J.) I have never had another screwdriver in my life, although I still like O.J. and Vodka…juts not mixed together.

I wanted to wear dresses when I was younger because I thought they looked pretty when they wafted out as you spun.

It didn’t occur to me that women could be gay until I was in college.

I absolutely believed I would die at age 30 from a gunshot wound to the head while marching in a gay pride parade or speaking at a gay pride rally. This was before I ever knew about Harvey Milk.

Every Sunday at church, I would imagine Iceman zooming around the giant indoor church pillars on an ice sled. This was almost all I ever thought about during church; that and masturbating in the confession box.

When I was in the church choir, and we would sing “Be Not Afraid,” I would get chills when I would sing the line “And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of me, blessed, blessed are you!” because I thought it was about me being born gay.

When I first heard Billy Joel’s song “Innocent Man” I thought it was about an older, out gay man singing to a closeted, younger gay man.

I believed I would marry a rich man and never have to work.

I once thought I was growing wings on my back. I did not realize everyone had shoulder blades like me.

I worried that, if I killed insects, other insects would find out and attack and kill me in my sleep.

I thought clouds were solid and you could walk on them.

I used to take extra baths and showers because I loved being naked.

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7 Responses to Memories and Misunderstandings

  1. Bear Me Out says:

    >Thanks for the honesty. I can relate to much of what you’ve said. Ejaculation? I thought it was the lining of my kidneys coming out. But I had to be sure . . . .When you sang “be not afraid” it WAS about you. And all of us. The Christianists just ain’t figured it out yet.So much more. Thanks.

  2. Anonymous says:

    >Nothing is freeing like being naked in your own home.The first time I masturbated and ejaculated, I thought I peed.I once put on my mom’s lipstick, and her high heel shoes. I pranced around the house in that, and a pair of speedos I had. I was 14. I kissed a mirror in the garage, and lied about where the lip marks came from.I used to have bondage fantasies when I was 15. I would let you tie me up. I trust you.e.g.

  3. Thomas says:

    >I used to dream that solid objects/shapes were chasing me and closing in around me and would eat me.Yep, I’m going to have that dream tonight, I know it.

  4. Sorted Lives says:

    >You may not have been tall and blond, but you are quite handsome.

  5. Walt says:

    >I think every boy thought they broke it the first time they masturbated. Scared the living crap out of me my first time.

  6. Mark in DE says:

    >”I believed I would marry a rich man and never have to work.”Spouse has said this to me on many, many occasions. My response is always “So how are you dealing with the disappointment?”

  7. (F)redddy says:

    >I used to (and actually still do) have recurring nightmares about having my fingers cut off from the blades of ice skates if I fell down face first with my arms splayed out in front of me. Thanks for making me twitch.

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