I went through a period in my youth during which I had nightmares about Santa Clause coming into my room and attacking me. Something about a giant strange man breaking into my house while my entire family slept once a year did not sit well in my little gay head and scared the bejeebus out of me.
After I officially stopped smoking at work many years ago, I still carried cigarettes with me so if people wanted to “bum one” I had one to give. I felt bad, otherwise, that I did not have any to offer.
I thought I would be tall, thin and blonde when I grew up. At least, that’s how I use to picture myself as an adult when I was younger.
I used to “cast spells” when I was younger, and always believed they worked, but worked on other people in other places as opposed to the people I directed them at. I just thought I was bad at it, but I was convinced I was really doing it because I could FEEL the magic come out of me. The most common spell I cast was for my Mom to come home whenever she was out.
The first time I masturbated to ejaculation, I thought I hurt myself.
I thought I would eventually get my period. No one ever told me it was a girl thing.
I was terrified of shaving and watched, worriedly, every day for my first whiskers to grow. No one ever taught me how to shave and I was afraid that if I scraped a razor across my face, I would carve off my skin.
The first time I ever got drunk, I was 17 and it was on Screwdrivers (Vodka and O.J.) I have never had another screwdriver in my life, although I still like O.J. and Vodka…juts not mixed together.
I wanted to wear dresses when I was younger because I thought they looked pretty when they wafted out as you spun.
It didn’t occur to me that women could be gay until I was in college.
I absolutely believed I would die at age 30 from a gunshot wound to the head while marching in a gay pride parade or speaking at a gay pride rally. This was before I ever knew about Harvey Milk.
Every Sunday at church, I would imagine Iceman zooming around the giant indoor church pillars on an ice sled. This was almost all I ever thought about during church; that and masturbating in the confession box.
When I was in the church choir, and we would sing “Be Not Afraid,” I would get chills when I would sing the line “And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of me, blessed, blessed are you!” because I thought it was about me being born gay.
When I first heard Billy Joel’s song “Innocent Man” I thought it was about an older, out gay man singing to a closeted, younger gay man.
I believed I would marry a rich man and never have to work.
I once thought I was growing wings on my back. I did not realize everyone had shoulder blades like me.
I worried that, if I killed insects, other insects would find out and attack and kill me in my sleep.
I thought clouds were solid and you could walk on them.
I used to take extra baths and showers because I loved being naked.