Brain Spooge

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It is a week of high emotions and a flurry of thoughts.

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For two days, I have donned all the red I could and enjoyed the awesome sea of red support on Facebook as the SCOTUS hears arguments for and against both Prop 8 and DOMA in Washington, DC. Although it is always awful to hear the hate and bile, the justification for discrimination, the insistence that certain religious beliefs of some others should rule our country and our lives, the voices of support are practically drowning out the opposition. I have been emotional over many pictures, statements, stories, comments and posts I have seen on FB, blogs and the World Wide Web. It is a bit jarring, sitting here at work among oblivious co-workers going about their day, as I tingle with excitement, fear and anticipation over the future of my marriage rights, knowing strangers are debating about whether to ALLOW me to enjoy the same marriage benefits and recognition as my heterosexual peers. No matter what the outcome is, or what the SCOTUS decides, the flood gates of support for marriage equality – and, by extension , lgbt equality – have burst and there will be no stopping this tide. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday soon; and there will come a day when children will read, in their text books at school as part of their history class, about the injustices against the LGBT people just as they now read about race and gender discrimination in our country’s past.

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I am still riding the high of an amazing weekend spent with a group of bloggers that I now feel I can truly call friends. As I have explained to many of my non-blogger friends (who neither read nor write blogs,) meeting people for the first time that I know so well through blogs is like watching a television show for years, falling in love with the characters, and then actually getting to meet the characters in real life. And it enriches the experience of reading their blogs. It’s like there’s a dimension and depth to their words that wasn’t there before. Now, when I read their words, I hear their voices, see their faces, feel their hugs and remember their laughter. I also met some new bloggers that I will now follow daily (and add to my blog roll when I get the chance.) I have no idea if I made the same impression on any or all of them that they made on me, but I can honestly say I miss them all and look forward to seeing them all again in any combination that opportunity allows. I definitely can’t imagine never being in the same room with all of them again.

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Sadly, there is a lot of grief in my life and the lives of people I care about, recently. Java (of My Life or Something Like it) lost her father, Shawn (Just a Jeep Guy) sits by his mother’s bedside as her health declines, my Aunt passed away last weekend while I was in Delaware, and a very good friend and ex-co-worker is rapidly losing his battle with cancer and may have mere weeks, or even just days, to live. I consider myself a practical and pragmatic man and I accept that death is part of our life cycle, so I don’t think it is the death of a loved that I find so incredibly hard to deal with; more so, it’s the pain and emotional suffering of those the departed have left behind that tears at my heart. I never feel more powerless than when someone I care about is struggling with the loss of a loved one. All my words seem trite, my offers of support hollow, and my efforts to help comfort useless. I understand what loss feels like and I know the pain they are going through and I want to find a word or deed that will help alleviate it but I have yet to discover such instant cures. No matter what your beliefs, we can all agree: death, suffering and loss suck in the worst way!

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I continue to struggle with coming to terms with my current work situation. Despite all my efforts, I hate going to work, being at work, working there and working with many (though not all) of the people I work with. Spending 40 hours a week being miserable isn’t healthy. I have explored, and continue to explore, options for new careers, training, education, etc., but things look a bit bleak for me in terms of getting out of here any time soon. I expend a lot of energy trying hard not to be so bummed about my job, but the truth is, I AM bummed about my job. In a big way. All the time. And I don’t like it one bit.

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Also, my weight continues to be an issue. I managed to lose 13.5 pounds before the Bloggerpalooza in Delaware, but that’s barely half as much as I need to lose just to get back to where I belong/am comfortable with myself. But when my work life is so miserable, it is hard not to come home and drown my sorrows in fattening food and empty calorie cocktails. And socializing is practically impossible without being surrounded by snacks and scrumptious morsels. I wish I could just say to hell with it and eat and drink to my heart’s content, embracing my big beautiful body like so many other people I know and admire, but I know I am miserable when I am heavier so that’s just not an option for me. It’s just a constant struggle every day to eat the right things, not eat the wrong things, and work in exercise and I get tired of having to work so hard at it and still look the way I do.

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So that’s a whole lot of what’s bouncing around in my head this week. Thanks for sitting through the distillations and diatribes of my thoughts.

15 thoughts on “Brain Spooge

  1. Sean, you made a great impression on me last weekend. I have read your blog off and on for years and knew you were a nifty fella. I had no idea how truly marvelous you are. I’m so glad to know now, and to count you among my dear friends.

  2. This past weekend was magic and you were part of it. You and I think alike in many ways. I appreciate your honesty and sincerity. It is refreshing in this world of so much artifice. I am simply amazed at what a wonderful bunch of folks that I met this weekend at our blogger gathering. I have rarely seen so much goodwill and camaraderie shared by so many in one location. There wasn’t one negative moment in the whole weekend. This was just the antidote to get my mind off of other pressing matters and I hope it was for your too, that was partly the purpose of “Bloggerpalooza.”

    In reference to your work situation, I’ve been there. This is my experience, while it is scary to quit and move on, it is the best thing to do. I know you’ve heard this before but we are only here a short time on this earth and we should make the make every day count. If you’re unhappy in your job and feel powerless to do anything about it, remember that you aren’t powerless. You can do something. I did and friends of mine did. That is one reason I moved to Delaware which was one of the best moves I ever made in my life. You’re a young man. You have so much life ahead of you. Make it count.

    Just some unsolicited advice from a new friend.

    My best to you Sean.

  3. I hate coming home to reality, since last weekend was so magical. Between my knee, my job, the calendar which is now filled to capacity, plus our fellow bloggers’ travails, it’s going to be a long time til Friday arrives.

    I must admit that I don’t remember what line of work you are in, but unless you’re dead set on staying in DE or nearby (and I can certainly understand why), look in the Northern Virginia and Central Virginia area. As backwards as VA is on gay rights, it’s got a decent job market here.

    Peace <3
    Jay

  4. Sean, I enjoyed meeting you this weekend. I’m sorry that you are feeling so down at the moment. Perhaps, you could share with us more information about your career and background, and what kind of job would make you happy. Networking with others (whether friends, colleagues, or bloggers) is one of the best ways to find a new job. Sorry about losing your aunt, and I agree that it is so hard to know what to say in sympathy. Talking (blogging) and expressing your feelings though is a good thing. And don’t I know what you mean about losing weight. Since I have had progressive muscular dystrophy, I have not been able to exercise. Recently, I found a phone app named Lose It! that I am finding to be helpful in drawing attention to what I eat and helping me to regulate the calories.

    Chin up and cheers,
    David

  5. I LOVE MY SASSYBEAR! MWAH! :)

    here is another interesting take on the SCOTUS hearings: http://thebitchywaiter.blogspot.com

    I liked this past weekend because we all didn’t have to pretend to be someone we aren’t. we were ourselves and everyone liked each other just the way they are. no pretentiousness, no pettiness, no bullshit. and whether or not you know it, you looked simply FABULOUS to my eyes saturday night (and to everyone else I dare say). you were glowing!

  6. sean, i am sorry i did not get to the east coast to meet you and the other bloggers this past weekend! but i am touched by this post, and your willingness to admit how miserable you often are rather than pretending that you aren’t. you mentioned in your info that you had tried therapy once, and were considering it again. maybe now is the time? of course, i say that because i am a therapist, but i am sure that spo would agree with me. you will continue to work on resolving your work and weight issues, but it might be helpful to do so with a guiding assist, which serves a much different purpose than friends will (though friends are necessary too!). i was hesitant to write this in the public comments, but i don’t have your email, so forgive me if it is too personal. i can just relate to being “stuck”, and know that i have a hard time figuring it all out on my own. wishing you peace-tony (if you want to email me i am at tonyd7777@yahoo.com)

    • Thanks a lot, Tony. I do appreciate your concern. I always try to be brutally honest on here, even when I’m in a dark place, because I think we all need to admit that, time to time, life is hard. I do think about therapy a lot and may give it more consideration on your advice. And I also may e-mail you some time. Ill have to see about getting my e-mail posted on the blog somewhere. I always welcome more contact from people who read my blog: breenlantern@gmail.com
      I’m sorry we missed you at the get together. Maybe next time?

  7. I am so glad I met you this weekend Sean. I’m at work now and will have more to say about your posting today but I wanted to let you know we think alike. I like you.

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